Destiny of My Illusion

I wear you like my scar. Some days I choke on your memories. Some days I want to suffocate on my time with you, relentlessly.

Then, there was a time when you met me and then there was a time when we met just to meet and now there is a time when we never will meet. Yet you still linger as a wisp of smoke and I remain eternally trapped in my yearning. 

I do not want to be lost, I do not want to be consumed by you and I do not want to always cry. But I also do not want to forget, I do not want to move on because I know then I would completely loose you, I would erase my past, I would remove my essence of today and I would remain alive within an emptiness.

Time will tell and time will heal and so I will break open my scar everyday to fester this gift of your wound so you live within me always. You are the destiny of my illusion.

The Silk of My Soul

"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

It has been an odyssey, a journey from nowhere and into nowhere.

I have wondered many times what is this all about and when will it end.

The real question though is what does it all mean to me and how will it end.

When the transgressions are all forgiven, will forgetting the reasons why it all happened matter or is the forgiving and forgetting combined? It is rather confusing to dwell on such things without feeling reduced in any sense. The hope however is that this logical exercise of contemplation will erase the components of whys and the whats of the actions and hence the forgetting will accelerate the forgiveness.

All seems rather simple yet this is the essence of many religions and its absence is the sole reason for the continued strife everywhere in the world and inside our souls.

The silence inside should soothe and not deafen our beings. It should illuminate our purpose and resound the joy of our existence. Then in that unknown moment, all criticisms to self will be eliminated and I will be able to free the silk of my soul.

The End of Reason

It was in the manner of the unspoken word that it all became clear.
What was meant to have remained unknown and what was never sought for was the conclusion.

This was the reason for all my seasons
and this was the course of life chosen for me.

Yet the clarity cut into the heart of it all.
What an exquisite torture of my soul.

The Sadness of Being

The glass of the night is broken as I sit and stare at me in the mirror, the deafening silence numbs my being and I wonder when can I disappear in my sadness.

I now know that peace will always elude me and I am really tempted sometimes to leave this arena and become peaceful forever.

and this follows....

With every passing moment,
The vibrant colors of the flowers will turn dark,
The leaves curl up and slumber off.
The birds sound the death knell,
The twinkling shroud slowly appears
And the day knows its end has come.

The Unbearable

We walked together a few steps
An endeavour for me
But a spring set in
Which enraptured me.

Now the autumn arrives
We tread upon
the shady leaves of destiny
I strive to imagine
A moment , an eternity
And I am pained
to find eternity so short.

The inevitable crossroads
And I will not deny
the fond memories.

Tonight

The still of the night,
the deafening silence,
then the brilliant darkness
and my arid soul.

With glazed eyes,
numbing grief that chokes my heart,
averting many a tear with all my will,
I pause time to reflect.

A blaze burned,
A fever raged,
A fire cooled,
The pain eased
I did triumph then.
I looked on as they carried me away. 

The Beyond

Sometimes I was too vulnerable and sometimes I was too helpless,
I never feared dying but it was life that killed me.
I always knew that life was all destiny
And I know now that my seasons will never change.
Who all should I blame,
Never could tell who was friend or a foe
What do I have to complain now,
I like the darkness around me so much that
My time waits to pass me on to the other side.